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27-Apr-2020 23:14

The idea of a film like "Black Panther" being greenlit by a studio was wild, even with men as fine as Chadwick Boseman and Michael B. I obsessed over Colin Farrell not just because he was handsome and Irish, but because he was both Jesse James and played Bullseye, the single good thing about 2003’s "Daredevil."Nicole Narain was a plot twist I wasn’t expecting and a strange sort of hero to me for months after.In the privacy of my room, I watched that sex tape with both a clinical eye and an imaginative one, comparing myself to her in an effort to figure out what it took for a black woman to snag herself a Hollywood heartthrob.I could see myself in this woman, and imagine that I might be the object of someone’s affection in Hollywood.Representation matters in the immediate present when you're at an age when pop culture plays such a big part in shaping your self image. Colin Farrell would eventually sue Narain for the release of the tape that I took such solace in.The entertainment industry pumps out leading men seemingly on a white-bread factory line, and most of the other women my Hollywood crushes stepped out with looked nothing like me: Orlando Bloom was still dating Kate Bosworth.

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Brad Pitt was in the midst of leaving Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. There was no indication that a black woman would ever be someone these men would be interested in; not from their personal lives nor the films they starred in. It wasn’t as if I thought I had a chance with any of these men, and I didn’t begrudge them their relationships.

But it meant that my desires felt even further afield.

There were pictures of Usher’s abs, Derek Jeter’s dimples, and Denzel’s young face behind Malcolm’s horn-rimmed glasses on my wall too.

In fact, out of the many plastered on the walls of my dorm room, Colin Farrell was the first one to demonstrate that he might be physically attracted to someone who looked like me.

Not like me; I was lanky and acne prone, Nicole was curvy, with gorgeous long hair and a clear face.

“They’ve come such a long way since the wild old days when they last hooked up,” they said.